Wow. That was a trip .
Life is one hell of a journey and one hell of a thing to happen to a person.
The past few months were pretty gruesome . I experienced a lot of pain, confusion and feelings of being trapped . But in the end of it all , I am still here. Living and breathing. I still have my heart (although it maybe beaten down a bit) and my soul with a purpose guided by my willful spirit.
Desire is something nobody can take away from me. And what my heart truly desires is to be living my fullest potential, by stepping fully into my passions, remaining focused on my greatest visions immersed in my dreams enjoying the journey. I cherish being immersed in passion, art, RAW creativity . People who are comfortable and organic in their imperfections. We are human , we are in it together. Knowledge is meant to be shared and we are destined to be open with a full spirit of depth and passion !
I've learned not everyone feels this way..and that is okay. We can only connect with someone as deeply as we've connected with ourselves. This path , this journey I am on , I feel at this time is far too sacred and personable and I enjoy the stillness, I enjoy the solitude and not having to compromise myself. It allows room for an unfiltered reality , and most importantly growth.
In the process of falling in love I realized I lost myself a lot. I tried to force it and it only made things worse. I grew very unhappy and I stopped nourishing my friendships because I wasn't nourishing myself . He was a very beautiful and sweet man. He taught me so much . He was a very loyal and strong companion. He was my rock. We lived for another and that was a beautiful experience. Apart of me died so that another could live for him. And for him, the same. Together we became one. And it was the most beautiful thing.
Yet, I learned I don't want to live for anyone else. I want to live for myself. Being in a relationship is a luxury, not a necessity , and if I'm going to live with someone it will not be for another but for our own purpose, together.
I became one with him and he and his daughter will always be my family no matter what. Ending this relationship was probably one of the most difficult things I've had to do thus far. I had a beautiful loyal man. a sweet little girl, a home of my dreams with all the comfort and security I could need. Everything was guaranteed. We were about to open up a shop downtown and go into business together . Growing up in a foster home and moving out at 13 and being on my own since, I was honored to be apart of this family and to have that comfort and security. Yet, it was so abnormal to me. I am so used to being independent. I was truly at war with myself during the times we were together. I was entirely conflicted and unsure of what to do . I felt trapped. We tried everything we could to make it work but things only got worse. I lost my mind and became very destructive. I realized I was negatively affecting our relationship and the possibility of us even having a friendship, the relationship with him and his daughter, and the relationship with myself. I knew it was time to let go .
A few battle wounds , drunken nights , wild passionate make-up sex and broken bottles later I looked at myself in the mirror and there was nothing but fog , I had to cut the chord. The level of depth and intimacy I craved spiritually and artistically was not being reciprocated and I felt the compromises I had to make were not a fair exchange. I missed the adventure. I was drained and out of place and out of my element. What was once so beautiful and full of life became dead and toxic. Watching this transformation happen was erie and taught me to be more careful with who I share my time and energy with because its all we really got.
It took me months of going back and forth to realize that this had to end.
I was loosing weight, I was not dancing, playing guitar, singing my heart out , painting , creating , ideas and gatherings , my energy was stagnant and time was flourishing. I was missing out on things. My friends were growing and changing life was moving quickly. I so badly wanted to be the woman that he and his daughter needed me to be because I love them , but I needed to be the woman I needed to be for me. As shameful as it was to admit , and the heavy weight of guilt I felt sitting in the mess I made of it , I finally choose to let it go and I feel liberated. I know that one day he will meet a woman who is ready for that kind of commitment and it will come much easier . That woman is not me.
Yesterday I bought a new guitar. Monday morning I leave to go on tour for the month. I am working with this college professor who is a sociologist. The theme of the project is #1 ) Phoenix rising from the ashes #2) Baptism #3) Taking flight. I laughed when I got this request. I took the offer and said no problem, for this is exactly where I'm at. Like a wink from the gods or a pat on the back. I head to LA, SJ , SF, RENO then back home to LV for now. I booked tons of gigs and intend to save up some cash. I'm so stoked to work with many mind blowing artists ! So grateful to have these opportunities that allow me room to realign my focus and feed my center for my fire is ready to be fueled, and my will is ready to shake away everything that is not soul; as the goddess Kali would destruct evil forces pushing them out of her boundary line to make room for growth.
I think that sometimes life has a funny way of revealing things. Life is perpetual chaos, beauty , destruction and rebuilding in motion . There are many outside forces in contrast with our inner world and it can be a challenge to hold our space . But what is true , is like the sun and the moon , inevitable to you. Listen to that heart center and don't look back .
If you are in love, take that leap ! If it is not for you , don't be afraid , you will find what is true to you. Always keep your heart open no matter what happens because nothing is guaranteed. The journey is a great mystery of things. As long as we have lived and loved fully , I believe this is all that matters to us as eternal beings.
I am filled with cracks only created to shine the light through , I am skinned only to shed the layers to get to my core. I am alive to live.
May the journey inward continue and may we come to realize our primitive nature .